My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
