maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
