My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
