There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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