I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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