i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
