i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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