a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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