dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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