i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
