well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
