You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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