i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
