The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
