so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
