im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
