Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
