It was confusing and full of hummus
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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