I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
