I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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