I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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