So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
