bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
