He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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