I haven't been this sober since birth.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
