how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Randomize
