1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
