He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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