I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We talked him into tasing himself.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
