Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
