If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
