Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
