I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
