i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
