Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it's like heaven, but drunker
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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