When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
