My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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