my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My apartment stinks of burning failure
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
