I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
