I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
