I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
