I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
