Will you blow on my dice?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Help. Why am I so naked?
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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