I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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