Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
