I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
