I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
A+ Viking dick
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
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