my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
