I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
