This is not my ceiling
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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