I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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