U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
